Antiques dealers find a voice on Twitter with the Antique Crank is a free social networking and micro-blogging site that enables its users to send and read messages known as ‘tweets.’ Antique Trader has more than 2,200 followers, one of whom is The Antique Crank — a crotchety old fellow whose ‘tweets’ say the things most antiques dealers wish they could say about their customers, the business and life in general.

We present to you a sampling of The Antique Crank’s tweets. Enjoy them at your own risk.

— Editor 

I entered the Antique business in the late ’80s by renting space in an antique mall. Said mall was operated by a bunch of ruthless older gals, who seemed like typical grandmas, until you got to know them.

In business these ladies could play with the big boys. From vintage milk cans to Tiffany studios, they did it all. Were they bitter? No but they were cynical, as many folks in retail are, after many years in business.

We made fun of some of the more rude and colorful customers, and in turn, lightened an atmosphere, that might of otherwise been tense and stressful.

Twenty-some odd years, countless shows, flea markets, days in our shop, and hundreds of duty days in numerous malls, theANTIQUEcrank was born — on Twitter. If we can’t laugh at ourselves, and our “customers,” through the good times and bad, we’d all just be a bunch of nasty old folks trying to sell old stuff to young people.

These tweets are just the rantings of a career antiques dealer who is determined to keep laughing — no matter what.

it’s never “what’s your best price?” it’s usually: will ya take… i’ll give yas… here’s fitty Bucks… does selling antiques to deranged buyers make me an enabler? collecting is a sickness. i sell you a feng shui book and you sell me all your stuff. if paypal
really was your pal… you wouldn’t have
to pay.
the antique crank all this stuff in your grainery, exposed to the weather, and you won’t sell, because it’s valuable antiques? we’ll buy at auction.
antiques……you have to find humor in a business where only 3% of the people do it for food money.
do we have a return policy? yes mam, 30 days. however the policy does not apply to harvest tables during the months of november and december.
antique browsers’ excuses: going home to measure/waiting on a check/madoff stole my money/the world has gone to heck… madam, if i wanted to peek in your drawers, i’d have the decency to ask first. so … you’re a picker of smalls? sounds like you have hygiene issues.
“buh-buy, thanks for stopping.” next time bring cash and drop hubby at the bar first. antique dealers are like bartenders: “what can i get you?” equals “what do you collect?” “i think you’ve had enough” equals “you’re on ‘hoarders’ this week.” it didn’t sell on ebay- you couldn’t get a buck. why not have a yard sale? -you’ll probably have more luck.
your wicker’s made of paper,…your stickley isn’t gus,… keno’s said to burn it…
so why are you
calling us?
back in 1996 in a warehouse in rural china … two mutant beanie babies mated and thus ebay was born. know the difference between an antique store and a museum? one charges admission and has exhibits roped off. the other welcomes “fondlers” and is free.
i’m sorry sir, but that antique piece is in original paint. no we won’t strip and refinish it. try this site:
do i have a public restroom? did you see the sign? we support npr, why not go at home like normal people.

“thanks for stopping, come again!”

another day of lid lifters, lollygaggers, looky-loos, and late leavers. luster lacking languishers lingered. maybe manana moolah materializes?

You, too, can follow Antique Trader and The Antique Crank on Twitter at and, respectively.

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